Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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