I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
