I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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