Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
