It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
