genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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