did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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