I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
