It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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