Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize