I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
