If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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