Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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