3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
