i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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