life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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