Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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