Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
