by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
