Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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