I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
