I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
