so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
