Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize