I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize