im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
