Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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