you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
