i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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