I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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