I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
