see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
