Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
