I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
a search helicopter?!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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