So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize