me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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