I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
