I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
