I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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