We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
