I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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