i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize