My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
