I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
