I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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