my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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