from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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