what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
