I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
