Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
