PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
