John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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