So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
