I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
