Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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