HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
